


A Matter of Convenience

by Mina Lightstar (ukefied)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-19
Updated: 2008-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 16:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ukefied/pseuds/Mina%20Lightstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Not so convenient NOW, is it?!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter of Convenience

Captain Okita Sougo of the Shinsengumi likes being sent to the convenience store because it means the others have no control over _what_, precisely, he brings back. In his arms, he carries a tub of high-fat mayonnaise, a spicy sausage, and a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. He shifts his burden from one arm to the other, staring flatly at the clerk behind the register, who has yet to complete the transaction for the woman in front of him.

"Haa, at this rate, I'll be here all day." He whips out his megaphone. "Excuse me," the woman in front of him starts, almost falling forward into the desk, "could we move this along, please? We all have things to do today, and we'd like to get them done, thank you."

The clerk hesitantly uncovers his ears. "Uh, sorry, sir, but I'm doing the best I can. It's my first day."

"And it will be your last day," Sougo wants to say, but doesn't get the chance, because someone outside the store shouts something at them, although the words are muffled.

"What did he say?" the woman in line asks.

Sougo calls, "Oi, you have to open the door before you speak."

The bell chimes -- needlessly, because the violent opening of the door does a good job of announcing the newcomer.

"Hands in the air!" he demands, leveling a bazooka in their direction.

"Aieeeeee!" the woman shrieks, diving onto the floor and covering her head with her arms. "Don't kill me! I have children! And a mortgage!"

The clerk complies, lifting his arms and looking terrified. "I can't go back to prison!" he cries. "I won't go back!"

The few other patrons still browsing also decide to hit the deck -- five others, Sougo figures from the surprised screams around him. What a way to begin the afternoon.

"Hey," the bazooka-wielding madman sneers, aiming the weapon directly at Sougo, "didn't I tell you to put your hands in the air?"

Sougo gives him a disparaging look. "If I do that, I'll drop my groceries."

"... Oh, right, that's a good poi--HEY! Don't give me any lip, you Bakufu dog! I should shoot you right now and save myself any more trouble!"

Sougo looks the man up and down, taking in the long unkempt, graying hair, the tattered clothing, and the Justaways hooked to his belt. "I don't think that would be a good idea on your part."

The man blinks, taken aback. "W-What?!" He hefts the bazooka. "Are you forgetting who has the gun?!"

He is a sad, pathetic case, indeed. "Actually," Sougo quips, "seeing as how I am a member of the Shinsengumi, it would be a good idea if you kept me as a hostage, unharmed." He gestures to the other patrons. "Them, too. More leverage that way, you understand."

Clearly expecting to be tricked, the convenience store hijacker looks warily left and right, searching for, perhaps, other Shinsengumi members to pop out from the rice bags. "Why are you being helpful?" he demands.

Because I'm bored. "Because I don't want to get shot."

"... Oh. Good! Because I would shoot you if you weren't helpful. Now," he sweeps the bazooka across the store, eliciting terrified squabbling from the customers, "everyone sit together behind the cash register."

"Really?" Sougo muses as the others begin to slowly comply. "You want us _there?_"

The hijacker pauses, and then holds up a hand telling everyone to halt. "You don't think that's a good place?"

"Well," Sougo shrugs, "it's just so easy to plot against you from back there. You can't see us, and so on. Might be better if we all sit together in front of the counter."

"Uh... right. That makes sense. So!" he raises his voice. "You heard the dog! Sit in front of the counter -- and no funny business!"

Sougo complies, sitting at the end of the counter and setting his things down beside him so no one can sit directly beside him. He catches murmurs of "What is that bloody Shinsengumi _doing_?" and "We're gonna die," from the terrified hostages.

In a very poor method of hijacking, the man leaves his bazooka propped up against the door as he barricades it. Once they are trapped inside the store, he steps back and admires his handiwork.

"There! Now they'll have to give me whatever I want!"

Sougo exchanges a puzzled glance with the woman from the lineup. "Say, Kato -- can I call you Kato?"

"That's actually not my--"

"Kato, why is it that you came to this convenience store to take hostages?"

"Kato" turns away, the bazooka on his shoulder not as heavy as the burden he clearly carries. "I am a samurai. There is nothing in this world for me any longer, because a samurai is all I know how to be." He gestures dramatically to the boxes of tea. "I am as green tea. Whether hot or cooled, I can be nothing but what I am."

"Is this guy _serious_?" the clerk hisses, disbelievingly.

Sougo raises an eyebrow. "Still, a convenience store? What have you possibly gained by taking a convenience store hostage and barricading everyone inside?"

"HA! You just answered your own question!" Kato spins back around and spreads his arms, balancing the bazooka on one shoulder. "Not so convenient _now_, is it?!"

***

Vice-Commander Hijikata Toshirou lowers the megaphone, unimpressed. "This is the _stupidest crime ever committed_," he snaps at Kondo.

"Toshi," his Commander cautions, "don't let your personal biases get in the way of your duty. There are innocent people in that building, all counting on us to rescue them."

"Did we need _three whole squads_ for this?!"

"It's a slow day; they were bored."

Yamazaki picks that moment to appear at Kondo's elbow. "Bad news, Commander, Vice-Commander. Looks like this convenience store's back entrance has been barricaded, as well. There is no getting inside that place, because I can't tell if it's been rigged with the Justaways he said he has. No safe way to do this but to negotiate!"

"Ugh," Toshirou grunts. He lifts the megaphone back to his mouth. "Look, uh, _Kato_, what is it exactly that you want, here?"

The answering voice on the other megaphone sticking out of the window sounds shaky and uncertain. "Uh, I want -- I want, um, a _year's supply of food!_"

Toshirou exchanges a flat glance with Kondo and Yamazaki. Suppressing a nasty comeback with a deep breath, he replies, "Kato, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but you have taken over a convenience store. I'm sure you can handle that part yourself."

"Are you mocking me?!" the desperate samurai shrieks. "I hate being mocked! You should watch what you say to me! I have explosives and hostages -- including one of your own, Shinsengumi!"

Kondo starts. "One of--?"

"Fuck," Toshirou spits. "I thought that megaphone looked familiar."

"He has Captain Okita?" Yamazaki gasps, glancing at the building once so convenient, now so ominous.

"He doesn't _have_ Sougo," Toshirou snaps, shoving the megaphone into Yamazaki's chest so he can use both hands to light up. He feels better after he takes a drag. "What the hell is Sougo _doing_ in there?"

"Kato-san, sir," Yamazaki calls politely, "if you do have our friend in there, could you please ask him if he managed to find that sausage I like? I'm really hungry."

Toshirou chokes on his smoke.

"Hang on, I'll check... yes! He has it."

"Thank you!"

"GIVE ME THAT," Toshirou commands, snatching the megaphone away from the spy. "Kato, prove that you have one of our officers in there with you. Let me talk to him."

"My pleasure!"

There is a pause, and then a familiar deadpan voice calls to them, "Hello, Hijikata-san."

"Sougo, _why the hell aren't you doing your job?_"

"Oh! Hijikata-san, this samurai is frightful and his Justaways are scary."

Toshirou can feel his blood pressure rising. "DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!"

"Ah! Hijikata-san, please don't stress me. It's not a good idea for me to do anything strenuous, you know that! Think of my fragile state."

"WHAT FRAGILE STATE?"

"I can't believe you can be so insensitive," Sougo continues, sounding wounded. "Why, just today I was out to get your favorite mayonnaise and cigarettes, and some new clothes for the special time--"

"WHAT."

"--and oh! I can feel the baby kicking!"

Toshirou is not sure what he says, really, only that it involves a lot of angry arm-waving and provokes Kondo into taking the megaphone and clamping a hand over his mouth.

"_Toshi,_" he scolds, "think of the baby!"

"So there you have it!" Kato shouts. "If you don't do exactly what I say, I'll kill your Shinsengumi and the unborn child!"

Kondo presses a hand against his forehead. "This is terrible! Poor Sougo!"

"All that stress can't be good for the baby!" Yamazaki agrees.

Toshirou, released, is now free to wave his arms some more. "Am I surrounded by idiots?!"

"Kato," Kondo says into the megaphone, "tell us what you want."

Silence. Toshirou has the awful feeling the man is actually conferring with Sougo. A few moments later, the answer comes: "I want an emperor's fortune, and a shuttle into space, so I can fly into the sun and die like a true samurai!"

Kondo stares, looking dumbfounded. "Where are we going to get a shuttle on such short notice?" he asks Toshirou.

"Or all that money?!" Yamazaki cries. "What if he isn't patient?!"

"He _doesn't even know what he's doing,_" Toshirou growls at them. "This is the _dumbest_ crime scene I have _ever seen_."

"Why do you say that?" a familiar, lazy voice questions.

As one, Kondo, Toshirou, and Yamazaki turn to behold Sakata Gintoki. The freelancer has one hand on the hilt of his sword and the other picking at something in his ear. He's walking one of his pets -- the Yato girl.

Having swallowed his other cigarette, Toshirou lights up another one to deliver the news. "If you're here for JUMP, you're out of luck. Some dumbass samurai has taken the entire convenience store hostage, and we can't get in there without jeopardizing the civilians."

"Or Captain Okita," Yamazaki adds. "And his baby."

"Baby?" Kagura parrots.

"Hmm," Gintoki considers the store, "that's easy." He pats the Yato girl on the head. "Kagura, you can't get any rice or sukonbu so long as that crazy man is in that store."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Huh," Yamazaki observes. "Simple, but effective."

***

With Kato taken into custody and the hostages freed, Toshirou allows Gintoki and Kagura to take a fee consisting of the latest issue of JUMP and some rice.

"Shinpachi will be happy," Kagura tells him. "His eyes bleed when I go food shopping. For some reason."

"Hn," Toshirou says, lighting a third cigarette.

"Hijikata-san!" Sougo cries, appearing at his side and clinging unconvincingly to his arm. "It was so traumatic!"

"You don't say."

"But I think I bonded with my captor! Let's name the baby Kato, okay?"

Toshirou doesn't have to reply, because Sougo is immediately punched in the face.

"TWO-TIMER!" Kagura shouts.

end+


End file.
